My Fortress of Solitude

I’m so happy these days, Folks.  I just want to start by saying that.  HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!!!!!!!

Bf is still moody.  I do believe he still needs to figure all that out.  However, living separately has given me a lot of opportunities to really speak through my actions.  Before, if we argued, I was stuck.  I sat there and cried because it was his house yet when I tried to leave due to a disagreement, it made things worse.  He had control.  He didn’t want me to leave (still doesn’t) and I didn’t have a choice (now I do).

What I’m getting at is this:  If he says something mean or gets rude in one of his unreasonable moods, I just get up and go home.  It’s that simple.  He doesn’t want me to leave, but because I don’t live there, it’s my choice and he has nothing to say about it.  Except that he calls that night or the next day to ask why I left and if everything is okay.  I can’t go into details, but it’s happened two or three times; nothing violent for those of you who have rewritten the one incident a while back as my “big bad abusive relationship” in your minds; just some harsh words at inopportune moments.  I am happy because I can leave any negativity whenever I need to.  It also gives us time to miss each other, which we didn’t have when living under one roof.  Living together also adds more stress because some of us aren’t easy to live with. haha  We like things “just so” and so do you, be honest!  It’s not easy to compromise.

Anyway, lifes a bowl of jello.  lmao  Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle, cool and fruity………………..

Movies, Makin’ Out and Magic

It’s like starting all over.  Once in a while we still fall back into past issues and conversations, but for the most part it’s like it’s all brand new.

I couldn’t be happier right now.  Is it all real?  It feels like magic; I hope no one breaks the spell. 

We went to a movie last night and rented some flicks over the weekend.  I felt like we were on a date.  He’d had a bad day, but in some way, I think getting together with me just for coffee and a movie cheered him up some. 

I still miss spending every night with him, but in time I hope we can rebuild to a point where we can cohabitate again.  There’s still a lot of healing that has to happen first, but it seems we are both willing to work on that. 

Until then, he’s still with me every night in my dreams.

This is the Land of Confusion

I still adore this man.  I saw him over the weekend.  Things didn’t start out so well; we fought likes cats and dogs Saturday night when we first saw each other.  I showed up at the restaurant where he was having supper; he had given away where he was in a phone conversation so I couldn’t resist.  I had to see his face.  It was all arguing at first, but I drove him home and stayed the night just the same. 

I couldn’t sleep.  I looked at him, lying there, and couldn’t believe that I no longer lived here.  I wrestled with myself; should I stay, should I go?  What did the turn out of this evening mean to him?  Did he want to work things out?  Did he just figure he could use me for the night and push me away once again in the morning? 

The next day, my question was answered.  He didn’t want me to leave.  He gazed at me and stroked my hair and face, like he hasn’t done in ages.  I felt so connected to him as I gazed back into his eyes.  I didn’t want to leave.  But we both knew that it had to end.  Our beautiful day had to end, and we both understood why; it was bittersweet.

Does this mean he wants to work on our relationship?  Does it mean he’s willing to try to control his anger, maybe try seeing a counselor… once or twice even?  For us?  I’m afraid to ask him those questions though.  What if I don’t get the responses I long for?  It would be too disappointing to bear. 

For now, I just want to daydream about the magic of yesterday.

One Year Lease

I moved out Saturday.

I left the man I love.

All week, I tried to call.  I left him a message expressing my concern for him, his son and his mother.  The day after that, he changed the locks.  I signed a lease on Friday evening for an apartment and spent the day Saturday moving in.  I didn’t have much help, but somehow my two closest girlfriends and I got it all done in one day.

Suddenly he’s interested in what I’m doing and where I am.  He’s been calling one of his relatives who is a close friend of mine and trying to pass messages to me through her.  She doesn’t like it because he’s still being unkind, but she tells me hoping it will help me to get over him.  It’s not working.

Actually, quite the opposite.  It makes me miss him even more.  I didn’t want to break up; I just don’t want to live with him until he gets the help he needs.  He’s given me no choice, however.  He thinks I have another boyfriend.  He doesn’t know me at all.  I won’t have a boyfriend for a long, long time.  I miss him.  He’s been the one man I loved for about twelve years now, most of that time from afar, but the love never died. 

My eyes feel hot, stinging tears waiting just under the surface like hot lava waiting to erupt onto my face.  Today my electricity will be turned on and I’ll spend my first night there in my new apartment, alone.  I’m afraid of the loneliness.  It hasn’t been kind to me in the past.  I’ll want to call him.  I’ll want to talk to him every minute, but I can’t.  I can’t pester him with my whining.

I miss him.  I miss him.  I miss him.  I miss him.  I miss him.  I knew I would.  I don’t miss the pain that came with the mind games he played, but I hate the new pain that comes from not feeling his arms around me.  My chest is heavy.

Ouch.

Illness and Control

I feel like shit.  I haven’t been going to his house at all because he doesn’t answer my calls or call me.  It’s like we’re in this struggle for control.  I read my horoscope this morning and it says I should let go of control tonight and just let things be.  I don’t know how much I believe those, but I wonder if I should stop by.  I guess if he isn’t calling me or responding to me, though, that it means he doesn’t care, that’s just hard to accept.

 

I found out from his niece that his son went into the hospital Tuesday.  I called the hospital as soon as I found out.  He’s been discharged and is going to be fine, although I’m sure he’ll need to be on a special diet for the rest of his life.  Bf’s mother had a heart attack when she heard and is still in the hospital in another town.  I know all this must be extremely upsetting to him so I feel selfish for wishing he’d call me.  Is that wrong?

I have to go look at some more apartments tonight.  I’m not looking forward to it at all.  I wish someone could do it for me.  I wish someone else could be me for the next couple weeks until this is all done with.  I miss him so much.

 

In turn, I wish I could be someone else.  Someone happy.  Someone in a loving, peaceful relationship……………