I’m not a computer

Okay, I’m not a computer so it takes a bit longer to process information.  I wish I could just turn my emotions on and off with a switch like my monitor - change the settings from bright to dim - but it’s not that simple.  I know what happened to me was inexcusable.  I do know that.   But I also take responsibility for my own actions and this is not the first man to want to hurt me; just one of the only people who followed through.  I am an instigator / a provoker.  I want to talk things out so badly during a fight that I continue even after my “opponent” has ceased.  I escalate the situation more and more until they snap.  Some break things and some swear and some hurt me.  So I am much to blame for the escalation of the fight, though I agree, not the actual physical harm that has befallen me.  So is all this so bad that we can’t fix things?

Here’s how the past week went down.  The morning after, he called.  He was sorry, felt worse than ever before, even felt sick.  That night I went home and he started the argument again that had begun the attack.  Sorry - that was a recap.  I stayed at a friend’s house all week.  He and I spoke on the phone a few times, mostly chit- chat.  I even stopped by to talk on Thursday, but he wanted to make small talk instead of discuss what had happened.  He wants us to stay close and may be afraid that if we discuss it, I will realize I shouldn’t stay, so I think he avoids talking about anything serious at all (but he’s always been that way).  However, I need to talk about it.  I can’t brush this under the rug like so much dust and debris!  Some men need time, I understand that, but how much time?  And it seems he can say he’s sorry over the phone, but hasn’t yet looked me in the eyes and told me how wrong what he did to me was.  Is he afraid?  Does he feel so terrible about it that he can’t face me?

I need answers so I can move on either with him or without him.  I feel like an idiot lying to people about the bruises.  Yesterday, in front of him, a neighbor asked me what happened and joked, “did ** hit you?”  I lied that it happened at work.  I was nervous.  I hope it didn’t show.  He went inside shortly after.  I’m not sure if it was because he was angry I said I didn’t want to go out for beers when he asked or if it is because he feels remorse for what happened.  Since we haven’t talked face to face, and I get very short apologies and changed subjects over the phone, I still don’t know what he’s thinking and feeling.  How can I get him to talk to me?

I honestly don’t believe he will ever do it again, and believe strongly in kharma (he’s had a lot of bad luck since Sunday last).  I want to understand him.  He said how much he loved me while in the act of making love my first night back at home, but he still hasn’t said he was sorry to me eye to eye. 

 

I want to please him, but I need him to want to please me, too, in so many different ways.  Can people change?  Can you teach an old dog new tricks?  Or am I wasting my time?