Packed

No, I didn’t pack.  He did it.  I was gone a few nights to give him space to think and he did.  He decided that I’m not worth it and that I didn’t respect him.  I talked to a friend when I was upset with him and she called him…the same Sunday morning that he stopped talking to me.  I finally realized this morning after almost two weeks that this is what the catalyst was for the silent treatment.  She didn’t say much to him, just that I had called upset, and he was so angry that I had talked to someone else that he decided I didn’t need to talk to him anymore. 

I keep my blog anonymous because I thought if I talked on here to people who don’t know us personally, I wouldn’t have the need to tell my friends.., but I was wrong.  I still need my friends; I will always need my friends.  He calls it “drama” and says he doesn’t need it in his life anymore.  He said he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t like me and he is on the verge of hating me. 

I just wanted to talk to him.  He was the only one I wanted to talk to, but it seemed like I could never get through, so I turned elsewhere instead of just giving him time to get over our argument.  Now it’s too late. 

Last night I went back to the house hoping to talk and what I saw broke me down the moment I walked inside.  Everything I own is stacked and packed in the kitchen and adjoining room.  The neighbors said they hadn’t seen him in days because he had become a “hermit” since I left.  Now I know what was keeping him busy.  My heart feels like lead in my chest.  There is a constant aching lump in my throat, and my eyes are burning from crying myself to sleep last night and all the way to work this morning. 

I know many of you reading this, who have read my past posts, are thinking this is for the best, but my heart doesn’t agree…. it just hurts.

Why is this happening to me?

He hasn’t spoken to me since last Sunday morning.

I’m sitting at my desk today trying not to cry.  Saturday night he finally called me and broke the silence. … because he had hit a gardrail on the highway and wanted me to pick him up.  Hurt and confused, I said no.  Our neighbor DID go get him however and I packed a bag in case I needed to leave the house because I was afraid of how angry he would be when he got home.  I took his cell phone b/c the battery died and he threw it against the house in frustration when he got there, so since I bought both of our phones and pay the cell bills, I didn’t want to take the chance of it getting rained on, stepped on or destroyed by him. 

I didn’t go back to the house yesterday because I was still angry and upset and afraid he would be more pissed that not only didn’t I go get him, but I also took the phone.  I did go this morning though, it’s so hard to stay away.  I thought maybe after he’d had time to think and realize what was happening, he might apologize.  I only stopped for 20 minutes though because he was still sleeping in bed.  I touched his hair gently because, my God, I miss him so much.  My heart is broken and I am so emotional..  He just said, “Don’t fucking touch me” and moved away from me. 

I know there’s no way to “fix” things, but I just don’t know how I’m going to pick up and leave.  I love him so much, or at least the man he used to be, and letting go is making me literally sick to my stomach.  I wish there was some way to make things right again, but I guess it’s too late.  So I’m working two jobs, school starts for me next week and now on top of it all, I’m sleeping on a girlfriend’s couch with no sense of “home.”  You have no idea how depressed I am.  I need something to give, somehow… 

I’m going to call the neighbor across the street and ask her if she & her husband will try to talk to him again.  He needs to be woken up before all our love is completely destroyed. 

I have tried so hard……………..

Mouse in the House

I want to share a story I read in a weekly, local free mag: 

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.  “What food might this contain?” the mouse wondered.  He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.  Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, “There is a mousetrap in the house!  There is a mousetrap in the house!”

 

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.  I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mousetrap in the house!  There is a mousetrap in the house!”  The pig sympathized, but said, “I am very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing a mousetrap can do to me, but rest assured you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow and said, “There is a mousetrap in the house!  There is a mousetrap in the house!”  The cow said, “Woah, Mr. Mouse, I am sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose.”  So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone. 

That very night, a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.  The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught.  In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail had been caught. 

 

The snake bit the farmer’s wife, and the farmer rushed her to the hospital, returning home with her later having a terrible fever.  Well, everyone knows you treat a fever with chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.  However, his wife’s illness continued to worsen and friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.  To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.  Eventually the farmer’s wife passed away.  So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat to feed everyone.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness. 

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and you think it doesn’t concern you, remember, when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.  We are all involved in this journey called life.  We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a friend.

Mortgage loans, MLS numbers and Realtors

Why is buying a home so complicated?  Realtors would make a lot more sales if they simplified the process.  There are search engines on sites and MLS numbers in free real estate guides, but there is no site that you can search MLS numbers for ALL real estate, regardless of the broker.  And when you find a house that has a good description and nice photograph, it doesn’t say the address!!  I have a list of almost 50 MLS numbers which I’ve forwarded to a real estate broker asking for addresses.  Don’t Realtors learn that the three most important aspects of real estate sales are location, location, LOCATION?  So why do they leave out that most important detail in their ads?  *hmph*

Have any of you applied for a loan on one of the loan sites, such as Lendingtree.com?  I wonder how secure these sites are and whether you really get the best deal that way or if going through a local bank or mortgage broker is smarter.

The whole process is stressful, but I can’t see paying out rent to landlords any more.  It’s just not cost effective.  Often you can buy a home with lower monthly payments than rent anyway!  Stressful, just the same, however.  Also, if I were to purchase land and then have a home built (even a modular - some are really nice these days), is it going to be MUCH more expensive?  What if I have a lumber company clear the land and allow them to keep whatever they get?  How long does it take to build in that way?  Will it cost much to have the sewer and electricity connected?

Anyone who has purchased a home that can offer advice, it is welcomed.  I’m stressing out.

Can any computer geeks help me?

Does anybody out there know how to get past a firewall that is imposed by a network here at my job?  It’s frustrating when I want to check a site briefly and can’t because a nasty stop sign pops up on my screen and says “Site Blocked” for whatever reason.  I’m not looking at porn; I just want to check my myspace messages.  Myspace is considered “dating; social” by the firewall police.  I’ve also tried to go to joke sites that were recommended and I can’t see those either…. “spikedhumor.com?” 

Can anyone help me out or point me in the right direction to find out how to get past it myself?  If only I had a flame retardent suit and a sledgehammer, I could get through this stupid thing….